Memento Mori Theatricks
2001
Complexity: 2
That’s right, I’m reviewing another clown-themed game. In fact, I will not rest until I’ve reviewed every clown-themed role-playing game I can find.
On a related note, I will be resting after this because Clown Cops is the only other clown-themed role-playing game I could find. It’s also one of the most eccentric I’ve encountered. And if you stop and consider the games I’ve reviewed, you may realize that “most eccentric” is a pretty bold claim for me to be making here. Also, it is very important to keep in mind while reading this review that this is a very real game, I am not just making this up. So get some milk and animal crackers and enjoy—no, seriously, those are required to play.
Setting: 3/3 [+]
Clown Cops takes place in a town inhabited by circus folk which has gone through an economic downfall do to lack of circus work, leading to a significant increase in crime and facilitating the creation of an all-clown police force. Once again, I am not making this up… honestly, I wish I could, it’s absolutely ridiculous. They even go through the trouble of specifying how many pies are carried in their police bugs.
Character Creation: 2/5
Character creation is a fairly simple process, first players come up with a funny name for their character and a funny voice—which they are required to use while in character. Next they draw ten animal crackers—I told you they were required—and assign them to their three rings—like a circus, get it?—representing general skill areas. That’s basically it, not exactly complex, but it’s not exactly a complex game.
Mechanics: 2/5
The mechanics are fairly simple… and then they get weird. When a character does something using their Gags, Stunts, or Skillz—aforementioned three rings—a d6 is rolled, with success on a roll equal to or less than the number of animal crackers in said ring. Each player also has a glass of milk—I said it got weird—with a rubber band marking the halfway point. This represents their sense of humor, and when the character is injured or does “something un-becoming of a Clown Cop” the player takes a drink of their milk. When the milk reaches the halfway point their glass is “half-empty,” and the character takes a -1 cracker penalty to their rings. When the milk is exhausted the player must eat one animal cracker from a ring every time they make a check using it. When a ring is exhausted of all animal crackers, the character can no longer make related checks. More milk can be gained by the player performing some kind of humorous act, and new animal crackers can be drawn when the player runs out—provided their milk is full.
Now if you’re thinking that milk isn’t a very good health gauge, and that “drink” is too imprecise a measurement, then you’re not alone. Now I could say “oh but that’s okay, because the game’s about having fun, not precise mechanics,” but drinking a glass of milk and then eating a bunch of animal crackers doesn’t really strike me as all that much fun—and as the milk can be refiled, presumably you can expect to drink several glasses of milk throughout the course of the game. Also, while in general the animal crackers don’t present much of an issue, it does have some minor effects, particularly with the random encounter table which relies on referencing types of animals drawn, and as such only functions is the animal crackers you happen to have correspond to the animals on the list.
Presentation: 1/5
Clown Cops exists solely in HTML format, which means that when I was taken down it was pretty much gone. Fortunately, as a savvy webtective I was eventually able to track down a link—a surprisingly difficult task—and plug it into the Wayback Machine, allowing me to write the review which you are currently reading.
And given what I’ve given so far, you can probably assume what it looks like, a webpage from 2001. And that’s what it is, text on a white background, with headings, bulleted lists, and a couple images. I suppose in the category of early ‘00s webpages it definitely could have been much worse.
Final Remarks
So is Clown Cops a good game? No. Is it an okay game? Also no. But is it a game prominently featuring clowns? Absolutely.
Base Points: 5
Character Creation: 2/5, Mechanics: 2/5, Presentation: 1/5
Adjustments: +1
Setting: +1, Writing: +0, Content: N/A
Overall Score: 40% (6/15 Points)
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